Over the past year this has happened to me on a few occasions and it's really getting me to question modern taboos. To put this in context for you, let me lay out some of the things that have been shared with me over the past year:
1. The consistency of a co-workers bowel movements. I don't care if you've got a clever euphemism for it (hard-boiled eggs vs. uncooked eggs with bits of shell in them) - I don't freaking care.
2. Your preferred porn niche. As far as I'm concerned, if you're related to me or if you ever want me to look you in the eye again, the only porn you enjoy is watching that guy with the beard on the discovery channel. Thanks to the overly loose lips of those around me, I now know that my friends and relatives enjoy a wide variety of pornographic styles - from barely legal teens, to asians, to girls with large breasts, to those videos where you find out that the chick was a dude all along - nobody should be cursed with that information. I don't tell you that I like to squeeze into a pair of Superman underpants, tie a towel around my neck, and run around the house screaming "Come and get me Lex Luther, Superslut is ready!!" out of respect for our friendship, and I would expect the same courtesy from you.
3. How much money you make. I don't care, and no, just because you told me yours doesn't mean I'm going to tell you mine.
4. Who you would leave your wife for. The only exception to this is if the answer is a celebrity that you will never in your life meet and that you would have zero chance of getting with. That's fine, we all do a bit of that, but I don't want to hear about the hot chick at your work that you know is a superfreak because of the way that she looks at you or what it is that you want to do on her glasses. That is something I don't need to hear.
5. How many times you've wanked it today. Either you're trying to impress me or make me jealous, either way I'm not interested (3 times? What is this, amateur hour?).
So what's wrong with us? Of course by us I mean society and not me and you, I'm fine - you're the one with problems. Go back just 80 years, which is really no time at all in terms of societal evolution, and you'll find that people didn't talk about this stuff back then. What happened?!?
I'll tell you what happened - we became weak little wimpy pansies that felt the need to share every little thought in our demented little minds. I blame psychiatrists, psychologists, talk show hosts, your parents, and everybody else that encouraged you to share your thoughts.On top of that, I blame everybody that told you that it was okay to cry, that it's healthy to 'get things off your chest', and everybody that thinks that they need to be everybody's friend. As a society we're becoming pathetically weak little blabbermouths that can't keep our feelings to ourselves and I'm sick of it. I hate to sound sexist, but we need to buck up and stop acting like little girls.
And I'm not just talking about the dudes out there, I'm talking about the women too. When did it become acceptable to talk about the symptoms you are experiencing due to 'the change' at an executive team meeting? Or how many pads you've had to replace while I'm trying to spread raspberry jam on my morning slice of toast? Two words, guh-ross.
So please. Pretty, pretty, please. Don't feel the need to share anything with me. And not to be too controlling, but please don't share anything with other people when I'm within earshot. It doesn't matter that you're not talking to me, you're talking, I'm hearing it, and I don't want to, so respect that.
Okay, that's all for now, glad I got this off my chest. Shit. Disregard that last part would ya?
Oh ya, and I promise to post more frequently over the next few weeks... sorry about that.
Edit - Thanks to Chris N. for providing this incredibly relevant bit from Geekologie.com - a toilet seat that will let you figure out the weight of your dumps. Click the image for the article.
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