A note to would be scammers

So I'm walking towards the check-out line at the old LCBO (pronounced Lick-Bo for those who reside outside of Ontario) when a woman walks from the entrance directly to the cashier that I am approaching with two starbucks bags full of liquor bottles. She narrowly beats me to the front of the line and starts placing the liquor bottles from her bag on the counter.

She's a fairly normal looking woman; frazzled blonde hair, puffy winter coat with a slight rip in the sleave, maybe early-mid forties-ish. Once all of the bottles have been lined neatly on the countertop she exclaims "I had a party last week and when I purchased this alcohol they told me that any unopened bottles could be returned."

"Sure, not a problem" the nice LCBO lady replies before glancing down at the bottles. Her standard issue customer service smile faded into the expression of somebody that has just caught a wiff of the silent but deadly aroma of shenanigans. "Oh, I'll just have to grab my manager to assist me with the return." She casually walks away from her post at the front of the store in search of some back-up.

At this point, I see that the next check-out aisle is available with nobody in queue, but rather than expedite the purchasing process, I choose instead to take in this impromptu bit of social theatre. How often is it that you encounter truly interesting moments in the check-out line? This situation had the potential for awkwardness and I wasn't about to miss it.

Over comes the manager, a tall thin man with a well manicured beard and a hurried gait that clearly says 'I don't have time for this bull-crap'. "You want to return these?" he inquires.

"I had a party and was told that I could return any unopened bottles".

This is where it got fun. The manager went through the motions of picking up each bottle and reviewing its condition to ensure that it was in resaleable condition.

Bottle 1

"Seals broken on this one" he says as he pushes it aside.

Our returner is quick to chime in, "Only the plastic part, the bottle was never opened".

"Doesn't matter, the seal is there to ensure that the bottle isn't tampered with, I can't sell a bottle without the seal". The justification is to the point and makes all the sense in the world to me.

Bottle 2

"How old is this?" the store manager asks to himself as he holds up a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream to the light. "There's mold in here, and look, the liquid has hardened in the bottle, there's no way we can resell this".

"Oh, I must not have noticed that when I bought it" our blonde friend mutters.

I see Bottle 3 and laugh, a laugh somewhere between a quiet exhale of the nose and chuckle. I can see that there is a duty free sticker on the top of the bottle of Appleton Estates Rum and I contemplate pointed this out to the store manager. I don't, and instead wait for this play to further unfold naturally; I'm not disappointed.

"This bottle is clearly from duty free" - yes! The store manager knows the score.

Our blonde returner quietly tries to convince herself that she's not a scam artist "oh, somebody must have drank my rum and replaced it with that bottle". But nobody's buying it. The manager doesn't respond and reaches for the next bottle.

Bottle 4

"I've never seen a bottle like this, how old is this?" The manager shows the bottle to the check-out clerk, who appears to be enjoying the show as much as I am. "No, there's no way we can accept this".  The woman is found out yet again.

Bottles 5 & 6 are covered in a layer of dust and clearly not new.  Bottle 5 is a bottle of Chivas Regal that looks like it came from the seventies and with a quick scan the manager is able to determine that it has never been sold at an LCBO.  Bottle 6, the final bottle, is a bottle of Grand Marnier that looks like it could have been recovered from the Titanic.  The manager scans the bottle to verify that it was purchased at an LCBO.  It was.  He then picks up the bottle to assess it's resaleability, and in doing so, sees that the wax seal on the breast of the bottle has half-fallen off.  With a quick half-smile he says "sorry, none of these bottles can be returned", and as quickly as he came over, he's gone.  Our blonde friend gathers up her rejected bottles without saying a word and scurries out of the store with her tail between her legs.

The moral of the story?  Sometimes people get away with some pretty outrageous crap by pulling stunts like this, but sometimes they get busted, and when they do, it's hilarious.

Happy Easter!!

wait, that's not right...

Happy New Year!!!