A note to would be scammers

So I'm walking towards the check-out line at the old LCBO (pronounced Lick-Bo for those who reside outside of Ontario) when a woman walks from the entrance directly to the cashier that I am approaching with two starbucks bags full of liquor bottles. She narrowly beats me to the front of the line and starts placing the liquor bottles from her bag on the counter.

She's a fairly normal looking woman; frazzled blonde hair, puffy winter coat with a slight rip in the sleave, maybe early-mid forties-ish. Once all of the bottles have been lined neatly on the countertop she exclaims "I had a party last week and when I purchased this alcohol they told me that any unopened bottles could be returned."

"Sure, not a problem" the nice LCBO lady replies before glancing down at the bottles. Her standard issue customer service smile faded into the expression of somebody that has just caught a wiff of the silent but deadly aroma of shenanigans. "Oh, I'll just have to grab my manager to assist me with the return." She casually walks away from her post at the front of the store in search of some back-up.

At this point, I see that the next check-out aisle is available with nobody in queue, but rather than expedite the purchasing process, I choose instead to take in this impromptu bit of social theatre. How often is it that you encounter truly interesting moments in the check-out line? This situation had the potential for awkwardness and I wasn't about to miss it.

Over comes the manager, a tall thin man with a well manicured beard and a hurried gait that clearly says 'I don't have time for this bull-crap'. "You want to return these?" he inquires.

"I had a party and was told that I could return any unopened bottles".

This is where it got fun. The manager went through the motions of picking up each bottle and reviewing its condition to ensure that it was in resaleable condition.

Bottle 1

"Seals broken on this one" he says as he pushes it aside.

Our returner is quick to chime in, "Only the plastic part, the bottle was never opened".

"Doesn't matter, the seal is there to ensure that the bottle isn't tampered with, I can't sell a bottle without the seal". The justification is to the point and makes all the sense in the world to me.

Bottle 2

"How old is this?" the store manager asks to himself as he holds up a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream to the light. "There's mold in here, and look, the liquid has hardened in the bottle, there's no way we can resell this".

"Oh, I must not have noticed that when I bought it" our blonde friend mutters.

I see Bottle 3 and laugh, a laugh somewhere between a quiet exhale of the nose and chuckle. I can see that there is a duty free sticker on the top of the bottle of Appleton Estates Rum and I contemplate pointed this out to the store manager. I don't, and instead wait for this play to further unfold naturally; I'm not disappointed.

"This bottle is clearly from duty free" - yes! The store manager knows the score.

Our blonde returner quietly tries to convince herself that she's not a scam artist "oh, somebody must have drank my rum and replaced it with that bottle". But nobody's buying it. The manager doesn't respond and reaches for the next bottle.

Bottle 4

"I've never seen a bottle like this, how old is this?" The manager shows the bottle to the check-out clerk, who appears to be enjoying the show as much as I am. "No, there's no way we can accept this".  The woman is found out yet again.

Bottles 5 & 6 are covered in a layer of dust and clearly not new.  Bottle 5 is a bottle of Chivas Regal that looks like it came from the seventies and with a quick scan the manager is able to determine that it has never been sold at an LCBO.  Bottle 6, the final bottle, is a bottle of Grand Marnier that looks like it could have been recovered from the Titanic.  The manager scans the bottle to verify that it was purchased at an LCBO.  It was.  He then picks up the bottle to assess it's resaleability, and in doing so, sees that the wax seal on the breast of the bottle has half-fallen off.  With a quick half-smile he says "sorry, none of these bottles can be returned", and as quickly as he came over, he's gone.  Our blonde friend gathers up her rejected bottles without saying a word and scurries out of the store with her tail between her legs.

The moral of the story?  Sometimes people get away with some pretty outrageous crap by pulling stunts like this, but sometimes they get busted, and when they do, it's hilarious.

Happy Easter!!

wait, that's not right...

Happy New Year!!!

The Hallowed Institution of Marriage and Why it Sucks

Okay, before you lovely bitches and ho's eslap me in my face or rickroll me into the wonderful realm of goatse, take a deep breath and relax; this title is just a segue into the odd world of anti-marriage husbands.

Ask any new bride what it's like to be married and they will either tell you how wonderful it is, or tell you that it's pretty much the same and they haven't noticed a change. Ask any new husband what it's like to be married and they will immediately turn pale, shake their head slowly from side to side, and tell you that it was the worst mistake of their life. It's universal - when I proposed to my then girlfriend I was proud to tell my friends that I was getting married. The single guys were baffled and the married guys always had the same reaction - "married? why would you want to be married?". Whether married a year, a few years, or 40+ years, every male that had pledged himself to the love of his life for all eternity had the same view, that marriage ruined their lives.

But why, why do they feel this way?  I'll tell you why - because it's cool to be a dick, especially to your wife.  That, coupled with the fact that it's not cool to love your significant other, has made for a lot of dudes covering up the fact that they're happy to be wed acting like they were tricked into dropping a few G's on a wedding ring, finding the right time and place to propose, and planning a way-too-expensive party for a bunch of people that they barely know.  The fact is, marriage rocks, and it's about time the dude's out there starting owning up to this fact.

So guys, the next time you bump into a friend, co-worker, or acquaintance that tells you that they've recently tied the knot, congratulate them, and not with that awkward sarcastic tone either - you knew what you were doing and you know that you're better off because you did.

And just to prove that marriage doesn't suck, I've come up with a short list of seven of the awesomest aspects of marriage:

1.  Not having to play the dating game anymore.  If you're anything like me, your ability to pick up chicks is equalled only to your ability to crochet, and we both know you can't crochet. 

2.  Living in a home that doesn't look like a cross between your grandmother's basement and your bedroom from when you were high school.

3.  Regular meals, and not frozen instant meals, but the kind that involve using the stove and at least 4 different ingredients.

4.  Not having to worry about getting dumped when you get piss drunk at a party and embarrass your significant other - she can't dump you now, you're locked into a contract!

5.  Dual incomes mean that you can finally afford to stop renting and buy a house/condo/trailer/cardboard box under the freeway/mud hut.

6.  The constant effort she puts into criticizing your clothing finally pays off and you develop some form of fashion sense.

7.  It's no longer lame to take photos like this:

Okay, next post, no lists, I promise...

Ideas for the blog

Thanks to everybody that has been so supportive as I get the ol' blog rolling. A few of you have sent me ideas for upcoming entries, and so far they've all been good. Please keep sending them in, and if I get desperate enough, I might just go ahead and steal them.

Wait, now that I think about it, should I be insulted that people are suggesting ideas already? I haven't even really got into a groove yet and it seems like everybody has an idea for how I can make the blog better. Meh, better's better, you can't argue with results.

So here we go, stolen blog idea #1 - Why Dave's are the best people in the world.

Rather than a whole diatribe on this, I figured I should follow the example of a famous David and go at it top 10 list style.

Top 10 Reason's Why Dave's are the Best People in the World

#10 - The name David is universal. In my life I have been told that David is a good Jewish, Irish, English, Scottish, Greek, Christian, and Portuguese name. Dave is 100% portable to all ethnicities and religions - Everybody loves Dave!

#9 - Google "Famous Dave" or "Famous David" and you will find hundreds of restaurants and food manufacturers using the David name to hock their food. Type in "Famous Brett" and the first entry is for a site called nutters.org. Dave 1, Brett 0.

#8 - Dave's are funny. David Letterman, Dave Foley, Dave Chappelle, David Spade, Dave Thomas (the Wendy's guy AND the SCTV guy) - the list goes on. Not forever, but for a few more names I'm sure.

#7 - There has never been a terrorist attack masterminded OR executed by a Dave. We're way too laid back for that shit.

#6 - Dave's make great leaders. I only need to point to David Karesh to prove that point. 

#5 - We have our own religion.

#4 - Our religion is also known as Shepherd's Rod - not in a gay way but in a manly way.  And not manly in a gay way either.

#3 & #2 - Dave's are extremely efficient and can oftentimes complete two tasks in a single action.

#1 - This guy. *points to self* Not convinced? Alright, how about this guy? (That's right, we played the Lyre before Saul)

There you have it, 10ish reasons why Dave's are the best people in the world.

Thanks to Dave T. for providing the divine inspiration for this post.

Nipple Slips, Panty Flashes, and other ways to stretch 15 minutes into 15 minutes and 8 seconds

So I sat down yesterday to write about what was on my mind and I found myself with a fairly decent post. Then I got busy, didn't end up finishing the post, and decided to wait until today to post it. Well today came and went and I found myself not wanting to post yesterday's piece in favour of today's. Here's the deal:

I'm at work today eating my lunch at my desk and flipping through my 3 favourite blogs Geekologie, I watch stuff..., and The Superficial, when I misclick a jump to Bush getting hit by a shoe and end up on a blog called Egotastic, whose first article is Lindsay Lohan wearing a see-through top. I'm not saying I was disappointed by what I found, but it made me ask - what was she thinking?

Ask anybody who accidentally typed "Nip Slip" into their favourite search engine while trying to find that funny video of an old asian man falling up an escalator and they'll tell you - celebrity nipples are far more likely to fall out of a top than your garden variety nipple. But why? The first thing you think of is "it's a publicity stunt". But is it?

Stars have publicists. People who dedicate their lives to working social networks, strategically placing their clients at charity events, and doing everything they can to achieve their clients long-term goals of snagging an academy awarding winning role. So where do recent publicity grabbing fan-favourites the nipple slip and it's southern cousin the panty flash, fit into this? And how do these publicists sell these young starlets on taking this route to fame and fortune?

Agent - Hey Lilo, thanks for stopping by.

Lindsay Lohan - You wanted to see me?

Agent - I've been thinking about your career. You know that dream role we've been talking about?

Lilo - The one about the super-hot young starlet that is betrayed by her so-called friends, runs away, and while in self-imposed exile finds the cure to cancer?

Agent - ya, that one. Well, word is that Steven Spielberg's people are working on this exact script, but they're looking at Nicole Ritchie to play the young starlet.

Lilo - ohmigosh! what can I do?

Agent - two words. Nipple. Slip. Tomorrow morning when you're heading to the gym, make sure you wear a shirt the barely covers your ta-ta's. Find an excuse to bend over, pop out one of your fun bags, and you'll be all over the tabloids. Tuesday morning, Stevie Spielberg picks up the newspaper and who's on the cover?

Lilo - me?

Agent - that's right angel cakes, you. He'll take one look at you with your titty hanging out and he'll have no choice but to give you more serious roles.

Lilo - but what if that doesn't work?

Agent - good call, maybe don't wear any panties and do some squat thrusts on your way to the mailbox.

Lilo - Hello Oscar!!

Both rejoice in a mid-air high five

As much I enjoyed that hypothetical conversation (in my mind, I was Lilo and the agent was played by Hugh Jackman), I find it really hard to believe that any publicist really thinks that their client is going to advance their career through wanton nipple/cooch exposure. So why do they do it? Because celebrities are dumb.

Well, that's not entirely it. It's because celebs are dumb and also because Vegas offers odds on the next nipple slip . Publicists aren't rich because they give good advice, they're rich because every time they see their clients career dipping a little bit, they re-mortgage the house, throw as much as they can on their celeb in the Vegas nip-slip pool, and work their magic. If they can convince the desperate young starlet to go swimming in a bathing suit that's two sizes too large or go commando in a skirt that's two sizes to small, they're rich. Plain and simple.

So next time you're surfing through teh internets and happen across a nipple slip, just know that somewhere an angel has earned his wings. And by that I mean some sleazy publicists has scored enough cash to keep his meth habit alive for another few weeks.

DeRo to TO

I didn't want to make this blog about either of my Teams - Arsenal and Toronto FC, but I learned today that my dreams have come true - Dwayne DeRosario (DeRo) is coming to Toronto.  DeRo is a Scarborough boy and a star on the Canadian Men's National Team and I've been hoping that we'd find a way to bring him home, and it was confirmed that he's joining the team.  It's always nice when these things work out.

Thanks to Mike for helping me snap out of my hangover this morning with the news. 

I'm beaming Jerry, beaming!

Here's a short interview with DeRo as he talks about the move:
DeRo to TO - Dave is thrilled!!

and here's a picture of David Miller in a TFC Jacket (just cause it's TFC related):

Please read this post before the two below...

Then read the bottom post, then the May 8th, 2006 post. If you read the posts out of order your fingernails will fall out and seven kittens will be afflicted with male pattern baldness.

Mocking thru Madlibbing: For May 8th

Health (1-5): 1.125 - slight turdliness accompanied by blogneverupdatusness

Location: A rabbit hole

Accomplish: Reviewed my butt. Met with Salvador Dali and Michael Moore, discussed backgammon with Frank Sinatra Jr, went to School for Candy but told to take off my pants.


For the original page (the mockee) click here

Why not a daily dose of Dave? What if we need more Dave?

well... there are three reasons that a daily dosage was not feasible:

1. I don't want to be held to that level of commitment. What happens if I miss a day? Then I look like a liar. Dave ain't no liar.

2. I'm not capable of forming at least one unique thought each day.

3. The url http://www.dailydoseofdave.blogspot.com/ was taken. I took a quick look through the blog to see if it was any good; it's not. My blog might only have one post (this one), no pictures (they're coming), no links, no followers, and no Google ads, but I can confidently say that it's better. Okay fine, it's not better, but what was I supposed to do? Use www.dailydoseofdavid.blogspot.com? That one was taken too. Really makes you realize just how unimaginative you are doesn't it? The latter blog isn't even a blog, it's just some turd with a single post listed twice discussing what he did on May 8th, 2006. Turd. The only thing somewhat redeeming about David's blog is the fact that his singular post was on Leroy's birthday. Go Leroy.

So I'm blogging. Whew it's tiring work. It's like doing work at work, but just for funsies. Whose idea was this anyway? That's the last time I get drunk on Thursday and vow to start a blog in the morning. Well... the last time until I've abandoned this blog (in about 2-3 weeks), forgotten why I abandoned it, got drunk on a Thursday and vowed to re-start a blog in the morning.

So what to expect from Dave's blog? Mostly bitching/ranting about stuff I don't like, what's going on with the D-meister (me, but don't ever call me the D-meister), and of course, stuff that I like, which lucky for me, is a lot of stuff - should make for good filler on the days when I'm having trouble forming an original thought. Hey, I guess I can always peruse the blogs of my namesakes and rip off their content... nobody will notice if I just change a few minor details...