Nipple Slips, Panty Flashes, and other ways to stretch 15 minutes into 15 minutes and 8 seconds

So I sat down yesterday to write about what was on my mind and I found myself with a fairly decent post. Then I got busy, didn't end up finishing the post, and decided to wait until today to post it. Well today came and went and I found myself not wanting to post yesterday's piece in favour of today's. Here's the deal:

I'm at work today eating my lunch at my desk and flipping through my 3 favourite blogs Geekologie, I watch stuff..., and The Superficial, when I misclick a jump to Bush getting hit by a shoe and end up on a blog called Egotastic, whose first article is Lindsay Lohan wearing a see-through top. I'm not saying I was disappointed by what I found, but it made me ask - what was she thinking?

Ask anybody who accidentally typed "Nip Slip" into their favourite search engine while trying to find that funny video of an old asian man falling up an escalator and they'll tell you - celebrity nipples are far more likely to fall out of a top than your garden variety nipple. But why? The first thing you think of is "it's a publicity stunt". But is it?

Stars have publicists. People who dedicate their lives to working social networks, strategically placing their clients at charity events, and doing everything they can to achieve their clients long-term goals of snagging an academy awarding winning role. So where do recent publicity grabbing fan-favourites the nipple slip and it's southern cousin the panty flash, fit into this? And how do these publicists sell these young starlets on taking this route to fame and fortune?

Agent - Hey Lilo, thanks for stopping by.

Lindsay Lohan - You wanted to see me?

Agent - I've been thinking about your career. You know that dream role we've been talking about?

Lilo - The one about the super-hot young starlet that is betrayed by her so-called friends, runs away, and while in self-imposed exile finds the cure to cancer?

Agent - ya, that one. Well, word is that Steven Spielberg's people are working on this exact script, but they're looking at Nicole Ritchie to play the young starlet.

Lilo - ohmigosh! what can I do?

Agent - two words. Nipple. Slip. Tomorrow morning when you're heading to the gym, make sure you wear a shirt the barely covers your ta-ta's. Find an excuse to bend over, pop out one of your fun bags, and you'll be all over the tabloids. Tuesday morning, Stevie Spielberg picks up the newspaper and who's on the cover?

Lilo - me?

Agent - that's right angel cakes, you. He'll take one look at you with your titty hanging out and he'll have no choice but to give you more serious roles.

Lilo - but what if that doesn't work?

Agent - good call, maybe don't wear any panties and do some squat thrusts on your way to the mailbox.

Lilo - Hello Oscar!!

Both rejoice in a mid-air high five

As much I enjoyed that hypothetical conversation (in my mind, I was Lilo and the agent was played by Hugh Jackman), I find it really hard to believe that any publicist really thinks that their client is going to advance their career through wanton nipple/cooch exposure. So why do they do it? Because celebrities are dumb.

Well, that's not entirely it. It's because celebs are dumb and also because Vegas offers odds on the next nipple slip . Publicists aren't rich because they give good advice, they're rich because every time they see their clients career dipping a little bit, they re-mortgage the house, throw as much as they can on their celeb in the Vegas nip-slip pool, and work their magic. If they can convince the desperate young starlet to go swimming in a bathing suit that's two sizes too large or go commando in a skirt that's two sizes to small, they're rich. Plain and simple.

So next time you're surfing through teh internets and happen across a nipple slip, just know that somewhere an angel has earned his wings. And by that I mean some sleazy publicists has scored enough cash to keep his meth habit alive for another few weeks.